Recently, I stumbled upon a new downtown eatery called Blue Cow Kitchen and Bar.  The owners of the Blue Cow also own Mendocino Farms, another popular place around town for fabulous salads.  I’ll leave it to everyone to do their own research on the aforementioned eateries but for me, what I like most is they use Mary’s Air-Chilled Chickens and other nice and wholesome foods from local farmers.  That’s a plus in my book.

Now, on to the fabulous burger I shouldn’t be eating.  I’ll start with the sticker shock first.  The Burger (as it’s called) is $14.00 but it’s worth every bit of that price.  It is an 8 oz. prime house burger served medium rare.  It’s juicy and flavorful.  It is also served with butter lettuce, tomato and spicy remoulade on a buttermilk bun.   Nice!  I added the Point Reyes Toma Cheese (like a cheddar cheese) and that set the burger off nicely.   The Burger comes with a small order of their Baked then Fried Potatoes and honestly, those are the biggest fries I’ve seen in my life but they’re oh so good.

I’ve not tried any other items on the menu but, judging from The Burger, I suspect everything else will be just as tasty.  It was a burger splurge alright but it was well worth the money.  A nice little treat every now and then.

The number 617 has been a very significant number in my life but I never knew why until just recently.  If I had been paying attention last year I would have known sooner but, c’est la vie.  I now know and I understand why.

Pay attention, the Angels are trying to communicate.  My Angel Number.

It’s rare for me to find songs I like these days but this one is a winner.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I remember reciting that 18th century prayer every night before bed as a child and it has stayed with me even now. As a child, it was recited more so because it was my mother’s wish of us. Five years ago I said it for the first time in a long while because it meant something for me.

In 2005, while hospitalized with something I knew nothing about, Lupus, I really believed I would not survive whatever was happening to me. During that time I found myself making light of it because there was absolutely nothing I could do about my swollen body, my fatigue or the trouble I had just getting in a breath because of the amount of fluid I was carrying. My kidneys were failing me and the doctors didn’t have a lot of time before I would experience full renal failure. I only learned of possible kidney failure after I was given my first dose of oral Cytoxan. Thankfully, it worked and only then did I learn how dangerously close I was to renal failure, possible death or the rest of my life on dialysis.

I never told anyone I thought I was going to die. I kept that bit of information to myself because the looks I saw on the faces of my visitors told me they thought I was in dire straits. However, I learned a positive attitude can cure whatever ails you. Perhaps it won’t stop the progression of the disease, maybe it won’t keep you from dying, but it will keep you looking at the positive, holding on to faith, and will possibly keep your spirit lifted as you go through the rough parts of the valley.

Quite frankly, what really helped me was accepting I would die. As soon as I gave in to the thought “this could possibly be the thing that takes me out of here” I felt overwhelming peace, the kind of peace that causes you to feel suspended in time. I could not make sense of it, I just went with it.  It was certainly better than freaking out and hastening my death as a result.

Accepting death caused a few things to happen in my life. Sure, I probably looked odd because I discovered I also had Discoid Lupus.  My face and arms were a mess and, as I started in on the high dose of prednisone, my face took on the moon shape I had been warned about. I was puffy and barely recognized myself but I was glad to be alive. I soon arrived at a place where debilitating shyness took flight and what took its place was a new woman, someone who could laugh at herself, talk to strangers and just enjoy people. Ahh, laughter truly is the best medicine. My thoughts then went from looking funny to “if this disease is going to take me out of here, I’m going to die laughing and enjoying life.”

That one little magical thought changed my life. I no longer fear death and in typical Angela fashion, if I should die before I wake I hope I can truly enjoy the experience of death. Sure, it may be harsh, maybe even painful, but I hope I am able to get around the pain and discomfort to enjoy my peaceful transition. I saw that happen with a friend and I too hope I can have the same experience she did.

Not to be maudlin, no, not my thing, but what I am trying to say to is I realized much of my life was spent not living. Not until I accepted death did I begin to live. No, I couldn’t get out much and didn’t do a lot of things or go a lot of places; too many meds and too much pain to really do anything.  Instead, I began to enjoy life on a micro level, very close to home, to me, to my surroundings. I realized I spent too much of my life looking out and not in. I was so busy acquiring things to put in my house that I lost track of who I am, what I like, what I need to do for me. I was never at home, both literally and figuratively, and therefore could not appreciate all I had around me, or me.

I am doing this now and a wonderful thing has happened. For the first time in my life I feel as if all of the pieces of me have finally come home and I am now centered. I no longer feel as if my forces are scattered, that I must do this or that, that I have to go here or there, or more importantly, please anyone.  No, I feel no pressure from outside influences or forces that used to cause me to want more, do more, go more places, or know more people. I am no longer influenced by what others say or do. I honestly don’t care anymore because now what matters to me is within, what I feel, what I think.

It is a shame I had to get really ill before realizing everything I needed was truly within, not just on an intellectual level but a reality, to really live it, see it, and mean it. We are born without limitations yet we place them on ourselves everyday by listening to other very limited people. Instead of going within and learning our own truths, we seek answers outside of ourselves, constantly looking for someone – who may be just as afflicted – to provide us with clues on who we are. We don’t need this and we never needed this so why do we do this to ourselves?

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

I love this part of the prayer because it is an affirmation. You tell God I’m going to sleep now, take care of what is yours. Then:

If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Yes, and if I should take leave of this world, continue to hold onto what’s yours. Why should I worry about tomorrow, life or death? It’s actually taken care of, all I need do is enjoy whatever state I’m in. All I have is now.

I’m missing the voices of great female vocalists.  I cannot tell you the many times I’ve searched iTunes looking for anyone who can sing like Nancy, Whitney, Dionne and others.  I always come away spent and defeated, which means I must dwell in the past.  Hit it Whitney!

After starting the year with either bronchitis or pneumonia, I became a little downhearted after learning the protein in my urine increased to about 800. I was doing so well last year and had hopes of starting 2011 off healthy with my kidneys doing well and healing. That did not happen.

It took most of the year to get the protein down to 100 plus. When I received that nice bit of news, I also received some other good news; both my Creatinine and BUN (Blood Urea Nitrogen) hit normal levels for the first time in years. Finally, my kidneys are happy for now.

After five years of various meds – oral Cytoxan, CellCept, Cyclosporine, Prednisone, all sorts of blood pressure meds, and finally IV Cytoxan – my body is feeling like its old self again, my kidneys are happy and lupus has gone into remission. I credit something else too, looking into how diet affects the body and what I discovered was not good about the American diet.

Much of what we eat is processed, particularly if you eat out a lot. I had to wean myself off that diet and concentrate on eating more fruits and vegetables. As for meat, I decided to go with eating only organic chickens (no antibiotics and no meat soaked in beef or pork brine), grass fed beef, and lots of Omega 3 fish like Pacific Salmon or Lake Superior White fish. I also gave my Breville juicer a workout juicing lots of veggies and fruits.

It took a few months to notice the difference and it was huge. Clarity of mind, more energy, and my weight began to stabilize. I am still on fat prednisone but I can report the weight gain I once experienced with this drug is not what I’m experiencing now.

As for exercise, I had a bit of a problem with my blood glucose levels. Initially, I started out pretty high and I could not understand why that was. First, it was over 180, then over 200 and at that level, you should not exercise, particularly as hard as I was. Now, my blood glucose levels stay pretty low with occasional spikes. Again, don’t know why that is but I am constantly monitoring my blood glucose levels. On those spike days, I will not go to the gym. A little walking, perhaps, and that’s it.

It is also good to see hair on my head again. For a while, with all of the chemo, my hair just sat atop my head and did nothing. It would grow in spurts and then just break off. For the past few months it too appears to have strengthened and is pretty healthy.

Another plus has been learning to accept the things I cannot change, meaning, I’ve changed the way I see things, my outlook on life, etc. Worrying about things I cannot change is wasted energy. Reducing and managing stress was probably the most difficult lesson I had to learn throughout this journey but the lessons have been good.

So, that’s the wrap-up for now and so far, no pneumonia, bronchitis or flu. Thank God! It’s still early in the season so we’ll see. If I can get through the flu season without the flu this year, well that would be a good thing. Since my diagnosis, I’ve had the flu every year. Prior to diagnosis, I seldom caught a cold or flu. I want to win the battle this season so we’ll see.

Yes, it’s been a while since I last blogged here.  I think it was June and my last post, if I remember correctly, was my visit to the police helicopter port here in Pasadena.  Much has happened since then and I needed to take a break from blogging to contemplate other things, like my health.

During the downtime I discovered a theme I had been using turned into the theme from hell.  Apparently, the theme used an older version of Tiny Thumb and that little utility turned into a sneaky little piece of malware that infiltrated the back-end of my site, causing it to redirect visitors to other sites.  When I checked the back-end I found pieces of that malicious code everywhere, which meant I had to reinstall the site wiping out everything.  Nothing was salvageable.

Anyway, all is clean now and I”m ready to begin blogging again.  I’ll be back.  Now, hopefully I can remember what to do here.