Je Suis Fatigue

Yes, I am tired and it’s not the typical run of the mill fatigue from Lupus I’m feeling, it’s the interwebs that has me feeling a bit underwhelmed.

After the cyber attack in June that shut down many websites, I found myself feeling a little over it.  My sites and a few sites belonging to friends of mine were taken down either by the attacks or by our hosting services as a prophylactic to protect their servers.  I honestly don’t know what happened but a few phone calls and emails got us back up and operational in short order.   As a favor to my friends, I got their sites back on track leaving my own for later as I needed time to contemplate whether or not I wanted to continue blogging.

In a world so full of animosity, I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue doing this.  Too, I had one of the worst flares imaginable and I needed time to fully focus on things I needed to do to be well.  I also had an interesting day where I thought I suffered a mini stroke.  It really wasn’t a stroke, it was more a comedy of errors that resulted in my becoming severely dehydrated.  The feeling is similar and very scary I will admit, but it really made me stop and reconsider life and my new normal.

Life is short and that little incident was a wake-up call for me to take a good hard look at what I’m doing.  My life has been on hold since my diagnosis and there’s so much more I want to do.  Remission may be an elusive dream for me and I will need to work around my illness.  Having both Discoid and Systemic Lupus presents a whole set of problems from dealing with sun exposure to the foods I eat.  I won’t pretend to be good at either.

Stress is something else I must learn to handle.  Recently, my body reacted very badly when I allowed myself to become over stimulated over something I had absolutely no control to do anything.  There was nothing I could do about the mess and I really should have kept myself together and let it go.  I didn’t do that.  Instead, I absorbed all of the negativity in the moment and my body suffered greatly because of it.  I’ve learned my lesson.  A few days of stress cost me months of suffering.

I have now returned to my regularly scheduled life, pre-lupus.  I cannot do as much as I used to do and I’ve learned to use my time wisely.  I will return to the gym, get my exercise in daily — even if it is all of 10 minutes — meditate, read, and travel more.  I have dusted off my cameras and have taken inventory of my equipment. I have also begun setting up my house to make it comfortable for me to work anywhere, from the backyard to the bed, even the treadmill.

I’m done and I’m over it.  The thought of almost dying really woke me up and helped me realize I can only do what I can do.  I’ve learned to shut down negative people and all of their b#)(#&ing about things they either can do nothing about or won’t do anything about it.  Complaining is nothing more than a waste of valuable energy.

So, with that, I’ve returned to the blog and I believe I have a purpose for it now.  I honestly don’t think I thought much about it before.  It just was, it just existed. Well, we’ll see how long this idea lasts.

Until next time.

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