Unfortunately, I had to let some things go while healing and recovering. One place was my little home office. I stopped upgrading my law books and practice guides, which left me with piles of little boxes on the floor because I had no room for them on the shelves. Then, there were the old computer books and manuals occupying shelf space while newer manuals that could occupy those spaces, were strewn throughout the house. I didn’t realize how much of a mess I had until I got into it.
There was also the pile of wires I had everywhere with nothing identifying them or where they belonged. Did I still have the equipment? Did I throw it out, give it away? I don’t know.
When I got around to taking inventory of my software, I lost it. Much of it had long passed its prime. It was time to upgrade, catch up with the tour as it were, which also meant this old dog had to learn some new tricks. Unfortunately, my poor brain has really been in no condition for learning new tricks and tends to rebel when I push it.
After a bit of back and forth talking with me while trying to figure out if this was really what I wanted to do, I decided why not and went full speed ahead. I cursed up a blue streak as I delved into the world of software, hardware, new tricks of the trade, operating systems, etc. It was not easy but, I gave myself some latitude understanding I’m a shadow of my former self. I do not grasp things as quickly as before and much of that is due to the medication I’ve had to take and, quite frankly, my age is playing a role in this.
I am thankful for sites like Lynda.com where you can learn anything at any time of the day. If I did not understand a lesson – my new normal – I repeated the lesson. I even watched a video tutorial in visual basic and liked it. I’m sure I’ll go back over those series of exercises again until I have committed them to memory. The big takeaway overall was knowing I can still do it. Yes, it takes more time and, thankfully, I learned new ways to process information.
As for redesigning this site, that’s on hold for now because I have an idea of what I want to see and I must build the site from the ground up. To do that, I must learn the new software for doing just that. It’s exciting and I cannot wait to get into all the bells and whistles it will entail, meaning, it ain’t gonna happen soon and I’m okay with that.
The hardest part of all I’ve been through is admitting I really wasn’t doing as well as I thought I was. Admitting that is humbling. I guess it’s pride when you tell yourself you can overcome something without acknowledging what it is you must overcome. I was delusional in thinking I was doing fine when I was not. I was plowing through, getting by but some parts of me were disconnected from other parts. I really had no hope for my brain or memory but, when I started pushing myself to learn, I discovered ways to rewire my brain for better understanding. I really didn’t think I could do that.
It’s slow, but I’m getting there and for that, I’m grateful. I’ve now put myself on a program and I plan not to deviate from it. Some of my lessons are 4 to 5 hours long and I sit through them – giving myself a break here and there – until I finish them. On days I feel I cannot do it, I take a break and give myself a rest. As for my “balls to the wall” exercise routine I had going. Well, I had to let that go to exercise my brain. I’m not giving it up though. I will return to it as soon as I can get some of these core lessons down.
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