Out With The Old – Except Me Of Course

Every year or two I will look around my office to see what needs upgrading.  My old MacBook Pro, bless its non-beating Intel processor heart, must go.  First, the battery got hot and expanded.  Next, I’m guessing the heat from the battery might have damaged the hard drive since it sits close to the battery compartment.  I almost ordered a new drive and battery but upon realizing I would have to travel hither, thither, and yon to remove every screw in the world just to get to the blasted hard drive, I gave up the ghost.

My next dilemma was deciding what would work best for me.  A tablet with a ton of apps or another MacBook with plastic keys.  Frankly, I do not want to spend close to $2,000 for another laptop that will bite the dust in four years or find myself with something ineligible for upgrade.  That sucked too.

I think tablets and touchscreen devices are the way to go and my iPad should suit me just fine with some apps for photography and video.  I can always use Final Cut Pro on my little mini.  I no longer relish the thought of carrying large laptops around over my shoulder.  Light, small, powerful and loaded with creative apps is how I see myself in these later years of life.  Considering I spent the week of my birthday in bed, writhing in pain, with a shoulder ailment that came unexpectedly, no, no more carrying heavy things across my shoulder.  Thank God for Icy Hot!

Coming to terms with my shortcomings because of chronic illness and aging has been humbling.  To think I used to get down on my knees and under tables seems such a faraway thought now.  Just thinking about getting down on the floor now causes my mind’s eye to fast forward to the question how will you get up?  Yes, now before I go down I must first look around for what I can hold onto to get up.  It sucks for sure but it is what it is.

Sadly, there’s more than upgrades or updates to equipment that needs work in my office.  This place has been neglected for years.  There are old papers everywhere.  Stuff that really needs to be shredded or trashed.  I must go through files and each piece of paper to see what it is before discarding.  I believe this will eat up most of my time and will require a lot of brain power to complete.  Yes, brain power and there are days when brain power is either nonexistent or comes at a premium.  On those days I must decide well how to use it.  It’s not as easy as showing up and everything falls into place.  Not anymore.  No, there are days when I show up and can’t figure out what I just did, what I’m doing, where did I just put that – more like two hours spent doing nothing and feeling like I accomplished absolutely nothing to boot.  It’s frustrating.

Then there are the pills.  I still have bottles of Cytoxan sitting on my desk from eight, maybe ten years ago, a package of Cyclosporine and a bottle of Cellcept.  Oh God, the drugs you need to manage this disease.  Yes, they must go too.  And so to the bottles and bottles of vitamins I have and take daily, some are empty, some not.  I made the big mistake a couple of years ago, of throwing out a bottle of pills I needed.  From that point forward I made sure I threw nothing out without first looking at it and determining, without a doubt, they were not needed.  Of course, my brain must show up to do that.

What is disheartening about this year’s project is there is so much I need to do.  In the past I simply let it go but now it’s much too much to let go.  Even more disconcerting is this would never have happened prior to the cornucopia of pills, doctors’ appointments, lab visits and everything else required for managing this disease and it just got in the way of being productive or just living my life as I was living my life.  I just didn’t have time and certainly, not the energy.

What will make this year’s project easier is knowing I’ve come a long way.  Sometimes the Universe has a way of throwing you a curve ball letting you know getting a job done lickety–split is not as efficient as getting a job done well and I can laugh about it.  I am accepting of the fact that I am an older woman now and I need to think about what I’m doing.  A younger woman can make many mistakes and return things.  Me, the older woman, wants to get it right because my time is valuable.  I think my brain is bad now, perhaps it wasn’t so good then.  Before, I’d go to the store, return home to install it, find it’s not right and wonder can I return now and get something else.  Oh hell no!!  There’s Amazon and I can look at it online, see if there’s a YouTube video featuring the product, and ask if it truly is what I need.  If not, move on.  If so, purchase it and have it delivered.  That works for me and no time is wasted in the pursuit.

The daunting task ahead of me is not something I’m excited about doing.  It’s going to be a job.  I bought these desks at Ikea some years ago and I love them.  I’d just like to see them one more time and know how they look instead of relying on memory.  I’d also like to get on with life, doing something creative and getting back to photography and art.  My creative engine is starting – it hasn’t turned over yet but it’s trying – and those creative juices are anxious to flow.  I feel alive again for the first time in years and like Lazarus must have felt returning from the dead, I’m just happy about everything.  I absolutely cannot stop smiling about everything these days.  No, I’m not doing those kind of drugs.

Now that I’m breathing heavily on 60, it’s not so important to me to get everything done now.  I often cannot so why sweat the small stuff.  I no longer get down on myself because I couldn’t do something or it took me too long.  I’m alive and I can do it tomorrow if there is a tomorrow.  If not, no worries.  I no longer subscribe to the ASAP club and I have no timelines.  The arduous or onerous task ahead of me can happen at any time and I will not push myself to complete it by a date or time certain.  Realizing and accepting my limitations has been a beautiful thing.  I no longer kick myself for what I cannot do as that was a waste of energy anyway and it didn’t change anything.

Like I’ve always said, I’m not trying to live forever.  I just want to enjoy whatever time I have left meaning, I’ve got to dig into this office . . . in due time.  Until then, I think I’ll have some pie and watch a movie on Netflix.  Procrastination is sometimes the beauty and reward of age, I’ve got time.  I’ve rushed around so much in my youth I’m going to enjoy every bit of this.

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