Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I remember reciting that 18th century prayer every night before bed as a child and it has stayed with me even now. As a child, it was recited more so because it was my mother’s wish of us. Five years ago I said it for the first time in a long while because it meant something for me.

In 2005, while hospitalized with something I knew nothing about, Lupus, I really believed I would not survive whatever was happening to me. During that time I found myself making light of it because there was absolutely nothing I could do about my swollen body, my fatigue or the trouble I had just getting in a breath because of the amount of fluid I was carrying. My kidneys were failing me and the doctors didn’t have a lot of time before I would experience full renal failure. I only learned of possible kidney failure after I was given my first dose of oral Cytoxan. Thankfully, it worked and only then did I learn how dangerously close I was to renal failure, possible death or the rest of my life on dialysis.

I never told anyone I thought I was going to die. I kept that bit of information to myself because the looks I saw on the faces of my visitors told me they thought I was in dire straits. However, I learned a positive attitude can cure whatever ails you. Perhaps it won’t stop the progression of the disease, maybe it won’t keep you from dying, but it will keep you looking at the positive, holding on to faith, and will possibly keep your spirit lifted as you go through the rough parts of the valley.

Quite frankly, what really helped me was accepting I would die. As soon as I gave in to the thought “this could possibly be the thing that takes me out of here” I felt overwhelming peace, the kind of peace that causes you to feel suspended in time. I could not make sense of it, I just went with it.  It was certainly better than freaking out and hastening my death as a result.

Accepting death caused a few things to happen in my life. Sure, I probably looked odd because I discovered I also had Discoid Lupus.  My face and arms were a mess and, as I started in on the high dose of prednisone, my face took on the moon shape I had been warned about. I was puffy and barely recognized myself but I was glad to be alive. I soon arrived at a place where debilitating shyness took flight and what took its place was a new woman, someone who could laugh at herself, talk to strangers and just enjoy people. Ahh, laughter truly is the best medicine. My thoughts then went from looking funny to “if this disease is going to take me out of here, I’m going to die laughing and enjoying life.”

That one little magical thought changed my life. I no longer fear death and in typical Angela fashion, if I should die before I wake I hope I can truly enjoy the experience of death. Sure, it may be harsh, maybe even painful, but I hope I am able to get around the pain and discomfort to enjoy my peaceful transition. I saw that happen with a friend and I too hope I can have the same experience she did.

Not to be maudlin, no, not my thing, but what I am trying to say to is I realized much of my life was spent not living. Not until I accepted death did I begin to live. No, I couldn’t get out much and didn’t do a lot of things or go a lot of places; too many meds and too much pain to really do anything.  Instead, I began to enjoy life on a micro level, very close to home, to me, to my surroundings. I realized I spent too much of my life looking out and not in. I was so busy acquiring things to put in my house that I lost track of who I am, what I like, what I need to do for me. I was never at home, both literally and figuratively, and therefore could not appreciate all I had around me, or me.

I am doing this now and a wonderful thing has happened. For the first time in my life I feel as if all of the pieces of me have finally come home and I am now centered. I no longer feel as if my forces are scattered, that I must do this or that, that I have to go here or there, or more importantly, please anyone.  No, I feel no pressure from outside influences or forces that used to cause me to want more, do more, go more places, or know more people. I am no longer influenced by what others say or do. I honestly don’t care anymore because now what matters to me is within, what I feel, what I think.

It is a shame I had to get really ill before realizing everything I needed was truly within, not just on an intellectual level but a reality, to really live it, see it, and mean it. We are born without limitations yet we place them on ourselves everyday by listening to other very limited people. Instead of going within and learning our own truths, we seek answers outside of ourselves, constantly looking for someone – who may be just as afflicted – to provide us with clues on who we are. We don’t need this and we never needed this so why do we do this to ourselves?

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

I love this part of the prayer because it is an affirmation. You tell God I’m going to sleep now, take care of what is yours. Then:

If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Yes, and if I should take leave of this world, continue to hold onto what’s yours. Why should I worry about tomorrow, life or death? It’s actually taken care of, all I need do is enjoy whatever state I’m in. All I have is now.